The Past Is Breathing Down My Neck

Dudes. Two things have happened this week to renew my vigor in the goal for a healthier and (hopefully) less large self: watching the series "North And South" over and over and over, and going through my old clothes and accessories.

You're probably wondering how watching "North And South" could matter even one tiny iota, aren'cha? I think Chelsea may understand since it's all her fault that I am watching it in the first place. I have a very rich and well defined fantasy life in which I am the queen of all things and in this great land of my head I am not married, I'm not getting older, I'm infinitely wisdomous and whenever I feel like it I can engage in romantic moments that makes my real self blush because they are so ridiculous.

Everyone's different and for some women the romance always leads to some well timed passion in the sack. The most ridiculous aspect of the world in my head is that I never go there like a normal red blooded woman would. Sex is easy to come by (if ever I am lucky enough to be in the mood) in real life, but romance? In which I always act perfectly? Never happened in real life and never will. I can't abide real romantic moments because in real life everyone farts and burps and occasionally gets bad breath...all things that deflate romance and besides that- I'm not a tender person at all.

(That's why I'm all these things in my fantasies.)

The problem is that things have gotten so dire with my body that I can no longer conjure up a mental image of myself as a thinner person. Reality has infected my perfect fantasy life. That will not do!

The other thing is that yesterday I went through all my old clothes. Dudes. Oh lordy lou. I set aside 50% of what I went through to go to either the Goodwill or to be taken to the consignment place here in town. I went through my fancy dress up stuff. What a wonderful bunch of costumey things I own. I used to have so much fun getting dressed.

I have actually put together six little bundles of goodies for the girl babies of my good friends: Sophie, Maddy, Elena, Isabel, Freya, and Juliana. (Sorry for all of you with boys, I have no boy things to give away at present). Little bundles with hats, gloves, beads, pins, scarves...all things I used to play with myself when I was in my sweet early thirties. Ha ha. (Some of them are things I've had since I was a teenager actually.)

I'm not sad to part with such items. It's time. I will have no girl babies. Sophie gets a couple of my very prized items because she is like a niece to me and I got to see her the day after she was born and looked like a big turtle with those huge wise eyes of hers and we've snuggled together many times and talked fashion and I could squeeze her for hours. I'm sad not to see her more often. Anyway...lots of good goodies for all the girls who I am adopting as my other nieces now too.

What made me feel more determined than ever to keep on track is that it's ridiculous to have come to a point where I don't feel I can flirt with scarves anymore without looking stupid and elephantine.

I made myself get on the scale this morning and I'm happy to say that I am 1/2 further along in this journey. I did walk the dog yesterday but won't have time today. Apparently I'm allergic to the gym. I can't seem to bring myself to step over their thresh hold even though I know that once I do I will be glad of it.

So I'm here to say to you all that one of the reasons I need to lose weight and not lose sight of this goal is because I need to be able to feel worthy of silly romantic scenes in my own head, I need to not feel laughter in my own mind as I try to pretend I don't look like a whale in a corset of it's own bones. I need to keep on track because I've held back some wonderful things to wear which require a slightly smaller neck to wear without suffocation.

How are you all doing? I think we need to rev up our inspiration levels and everyone needs to check in with a post a little bit more often. Tell me what's inspiring or motivating you right now? Talk to me ladies!