The Shame Machine

(is hard at work)

I am holding steady at my nine pound loss. But I am feeling super fat.

I am now feeling very stressed. Seriously stressed out. I don't have a great track record of dealing well with stress. I am eating after seven pm again. Small things like half a jar of vegetable pickles with cheese. I suppose that's better than a late night grilled cheese sandwich. But not by much. I've certainly been drinking more beer again. I am exercising. I took a hike in the woods yesterday with Max and our friend Nicole. In spite of a back that is still hurting from going to the gym a few days ago.

I am not moved yet. I am not packed yet. I have to prepare taxes today. I have to arrange my trip to Scotland to go to my dad's wedding.

And I'm fat. FAT. My dad hasn't seen me for two years. Neither has my brother. They are not fat. My dad's bride is not fat. I'm willing to bet her family isn't fat either. My sister who will be there is not fat either. None of them are fat. Except for me. I have no idea how to dress nice for a wedding looking like I do. I have only five weeks. Obviously I could drop a few pounds still but there's no time to become not-fat before this trip. And I feel shame. I do. I don't want to. I know it's ridiculous. I know my family will love me. But I also know they'll have huge invisible exclamation marks hovering over their heads every time they look at me. How did she get so big? Why did she let herself go? Will she always be this big now? Maybe she shouldn't eat so much? Maybe she should put down that cocktail?

I don't know how to dress attractively at this size. I really don't. My belly extends further out than my breasts.

I would like to bring inspiration to this place of ours. But today I have only humility and discomfort. I am going to eat well between now and the time I leave. Meaning: wisely and not past 7pm. I am going to exercise even if it has to be in small safe amounts. I am going to ease up on the beer again in spite of the stress. I will use this trip as a motivating factor. My goal is to lose ten pounds in five weeks.

Where are the "how not to dress" ladies when I need them?!

Off to eat some yogurt with fruit for breakfast.