The Mirror Reality
OK, so I'm not depressed about my life until I look in a mirror. Especially a mirror at the fat girl's store where I look like vomit in EVERYTHING. Now I want to cry. I also want to not go to Scotland and be seen by my family. I know they love me but if I look like vomit I know they're going to notice that I'm huge and lumpy and all out of proportion. I keep seeing these super large gals around here and I think "Oh thank God I don't look like that. I won't ever look like that!" But I do. I already do.
Fuck it. Fuck it. I hate that I did this to myself and even though I lost some weight I gained some of it back during this move. I want to bury myself.
So. It feels like I can't get out of this self imposed mess. I keep trying to just find clothes that fit better but NOTHING fits better. Nothing fits well at all and even when it technically fits it doesn't mean I look good. I look at pictures of other large gals with style on flickr and I think "I should just dress up anyway...I can be big and stylish" but I don't believe it because when I put clothes on and look in the mirror I do not look stylish like them, I look like I may as well be naked.
I feel rotten. And I feel a little on the hopeless side. Of course feeling that way never helps because it makes me feel like stuffing my face with Oreos or something.
So there you have it. Not really a pep talk. I don't have any pep to serve myself.
At least I'm really happy about the house I'm in.
Oh yeah, I walked for an hour yesterday and the reward? Awful sharp pains in the balls of my feet that felt like knives stabbing into me. Nice. When I went to the gym my back gets thrown out. Exercise is supposed to make me feel so good and all it ever does is make me hurt more.
Fuck it. Fuck it. I hate that I did this to myself and even though I lost some weight I gained some of it back during this move. I want to bury myself.
So. It feels like I can't get out of this self imposed mess. I keep trying to just find clothes that fit better but NOTHING fits better. Nothing fits well at all and even when it technically fits it doesn't mean I look good. I look at pictures of other large gals with style on flickr and I think "I should just dress up anyway...I can be big and stylish" but I don't believe it because when I put clothes on and look in the mirror I do not look stylish like them, I look like I may as well be naked.
I feel rotten. And I feel a little on the hopeless side. Of course feeling that way never helps because it makes me feel like stuffing my face with Oreos or something.
So there you have it. Not really a pep talk. I don't have any pep to serve myself.
At least I'm really happy about the house I'm in.
Oh yeah, I walked for an hour yesterday and the reward? Awful sharp pains in the balls of my feet that felt like knives stabbing into me. Nice. When I went to the gym my back gets thrown out. Exercise is supposed to make me feel so good and all it ever does is make me hurt more.
7 comments:
I totally know how you feel. I have felt this way about myself my entire life. I am so sorry. Please know that you are not alone in feeling like this!! Things will get better eventually.
Oh friend, you are such a great person, I hate that you are feeling this way! Here are five things I love about you!
1) You have awesome hair! So thick!
2) You have beautiful soft ivory skin Every time I think about your skin it reminds me of my young skin before puberty, and I wonder how you managed to avoid damage in your teens.
3) You give the best hugs! Just hug those family members thoughts right out of their heads!
4) You are so creative, and I envy your energy for staying creative.
5) You really stick to your convictions. Something I find hard to do.
Write your body some love notes! And if you would like me to drive you to Portland on a Saturday for some shopping, I would love too.
PS- I cannot believe I am up this early...I cannot sleep, I think I have an ear infection!
I hate to see you so down, because any progress is so much progress. You have what a lot of people don't have : a desire to change!!!
And P.S. Exercise DOES hurt. I'm only 20, I should be in much better shape than this! The other day I complained about "knee problems". Yikes. Stick through it....work through the pain (I think...)
I hate how I look, I've never been this big. Clothes look lumpy and I may as well wear a binbag.
You have been making changes this year, even if your good habits have been disrupted by your move ( no wonder!)Don't give up!
Thank you everyone.
I know that I will make progress over time if I just keep trying but I wish I had known I was going to be going on this trip months ago because I think it would have motivated me.
No shopping for me. I think it will make me feel so much worse. Plus I have to finish moving!! Oy.
I am going to get some exercise today in spite of all the pain.
It sucks to feel so frumpy. I know. I also have a wedding coming up in May that I've been working towards looking better for. And I feel that I am, but I wish I was so much further along with my loss.
I agree with Dominique on your great skin!
Personally, it's the big girls with style that I hate almost more than the super skinny ones. I too wish I could dress up and dazzle but just wind up feeling frumpy later. But seriously, go for the v-neck tops and big earrings some how that always makes me feel better. :)
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