Not too much to say.

(Just a random picture of a cute bisque statue I found at the local antique store.)

So I weighed myself again this morning and still stuck at 190. But I've decided that's okay. I've pretty much met all my goals for myself this month. The not eating after 7pm is still going well, I've had a few slip ups but not so many that I feel bad. I wasn't able to get rid of the soda but I did change it to diet so that cut a lot of calories there. The biggest change has been the working out. I've gone 11 times since the 7th and tomorrow I'll reach my goal of 12 before the end of the month. What's surprising to me it how much I've been enjoying it or better to say how much my body has been enjoying it. I don't know how to explain it but my body just seems to want to keep moving. So I'm going to do my best to keep it moving 'cause it just feels right.

Okay, that's it for now but I'll be back on Friday with my February goals.
And, hey, I'm still damn proud that we're all still here.

***DID NOT MEAN TO MAKE THE FONT PAINFULLY SMALL! BLOGGER IS JUST BEING A PAIN IN MY A**.

These days I am a-Changin'

I gained back 4 measly ounces this week according to the accursed WW scale. But I guarantee that it was the rivets and zipper on my jeans.

I'm obviously sad that I did't lose more but since I've made conscious choices in my life to eat better and exercise, these simple changes have:

• given me more energy
• made my skin looks better
• made me nicer because my blood sugar is leveled off, not yo-yoing all over the place
• help me fit into my not-so-fat-jeans, comfortably (Yee haw!)
• finally made me acknowledge my weight issue rather than putting it off, one more day
• shown me that I'm not alone

Ahh, I feel better writing that down. I know it's very smarmy and Oprah-y but it's true. We all have challenges but if we approach it on a smaller scale, we'll all eventually succeed. Then we can rename the site "The Tight Ass Water Cooler".

I Gained Four Pounds This Week, But at Least I'm Not Dying of a Brain Infection

So this, yes this, is why I firmly DO NOT believe in weighing myself weekly.

Gah.

Four pounds.

I hate you fucking four pounds.

In my defense (or the four pounds' defense), it was my birthday last week. And I had to eat more food because the antibiotic (supposedly saving me from a potential brain infection) made me sick to my stomach so I hate to keep it half full to not be sick. Plus, I was actually sick so I didn't exercise. Plus, since I was sick I was fighting an infection. And I'm PMSing and should start soon. (And I do mean SOON. I'm six days late and yes I took a test and thank Buddha it was negative because OH MY HELL I do not need a pregnancy right now.)

Meh. Overall I guess I shouldn't be pissed. From January first I'm still down 2.5 pounds.

But still. To see a four pound weight gain in one week is a total buzzkill.

I Made It Through Another Week

But just barely. After my work out and weigh in last Sunday, my whole week went to hell. I got sick in the middle of the night on Sunday and was bad, bad for most of the week. I laid in bed all day on Monday and barely got out. I didn't eat for two and a half days and then when I finally got a small appetite back, I couldn't keep things in.

Needless to say I didn't work out except for Sunday, although I think a solid case could be made that coughing for hours *is* a workout. It burns calories and requires endurance and stamina. That's what a workout is, right?

Since I knew my starting weight, I was fascinated to watch how a body can loose weight so quickly in a time of duress. I think it was Wednesday that I peeked on my weight just to see how it was dropping due to not eating. I had lost about 3-4 pounds since Sunday. Yesterday that had gone up to 5.5 pounds of weight loss since Sunday.

Then yesterday, I was finally able to eat and digest food normally for the first time in a week. I got on the elliptical machine for a very brief ten minute session this morning, which felt like it was going to kill me because I couldn't breathe very well. I had to do it, though, so I wouldn't lose my momentum. At my weekly weigh in this morning, my final loss for the week was 3.5 pounds.

I don't expect this week to show a great weight loss, because I have a feeling I might put some of that lost weight back on with regular eating and since my breathing isn't back to normal yet, I don't know if I can do full length workouts, but I am going to do my best and still get on for ten minutes if that's all I can do.

Happy Sunday

It seems to me like every one is making some progress which is very heartening. I haven't done my weigh in yet and frankly, I'm reluctant to do it. I realize that part of this process is to check in, to keep one's self from back sliding by continually jumping back on the track and not letting the small setbacks become large ones. Still, I feel certain that this week will be fairly telling on the scale.

Happily the alcohol situation seems to be a lot less difficult to rectify than I had imagined. All it took (so far) was the encouragement of a psychiatrist and the threat of a life of AA and no alcohol ever again to get us motivated to make change. I did go for drinks with my mom when I stayed with her Friday night and the real test was to see if I could then come home and not drink the next night. Generally if I have had drinks one night of the week-end I figure I should just go ahead and finish the week-end with drinks. It has something to do with clean chunks of time which I can't even begin to explain to anyone let alone myself. My brain works in very murky ways. However, I very much enjoyed two tonic waters with lime last night and didn't miss the beer at all. So weird. Such a relief.

I think we really are entering a new chapter for ourselves. On Thursday night, the first night of our new rules for drinking lifestyle, we expected to be very irritable and stressed out but the truth is, both of us were relieved to not drink beer. We just had hot tea. I got to bed at a reasonable time, and felt better in the morning. We needed a push to do what we've been wanting and unsuccessfully trying to do for over a year. It's still early on to be too confident, but I am. I am confident because this is a change I really have desperately wanted but somehow been unable to find the strength to accomplish.

If free of the need to find calm in beer, then there is a real chance that I will be able to meet my other goals for my health. If I can maintain this new strength for long enough the results will offer their own motivation.

I'm just about to take off for the farmer's market in Hillsdale and hope to get some more polenta so I can make Chelsea's polenta pizzas. I also hope to snag some more collards which I have been enjoying in place of chard for my chard and egg scramble breakfast. Greens are in short supply (I heard) due to all the ice here. It's actually supposed to snow tonight. I hope it does!!

This week it was difficult to cook what with caring for Ozark (I did actually end up with a meal plan and I did make a couple of the meals on it) but I have hopes that this week I will find it easier to get some cooking done ahead of time.

I suppose I should go get dressed now. I hope you are all having a great Sunday!

Recipe for Polenta Pizzas a la Grecque

First, you'll need you favorite polenta recipe. Make it and follow the directions below to start your pizza shells.


Then, have your favorite tomato sauce or make this quick Greek style sauce. You'll need:

1 1/2 cups stewed tomatoes, homemade or canned
2 tsp olive oil
1/2 small onion, chopped fine
1 garlic clove, minced
2 tbsp tomato paste
1 tsp dried or 1 tbsp fresh oregano
1/2 tsp cinnamon
a pinch of allspice
salt and pepper to taste

****************************************************************************************

Heat up pan, add oil. When it shimmers, add onions, cook about 2-3 minutes til soft. Add garlic and cook for a couple of minutes, then add tomatoes, all at once. They will sputter and spit but this is good! You have just deglazed the pan and will now have the beginning of the sauce. Add the rest of the ingredients, turn down low, and cook for about 15 minutes. Add some water if too thick. The next step is optional. When cool, use an immersion blender, a food processor or blender and smooth out the sauce. Set aside.

Now cut up your favorite ingredients for the pizza. Here are some suggestions:

Feta, of course, I used non fat (don't roll your eyes Angelina)
Scallions
Kalamata olives, chopped
Roasted peppers. I used red and yellow (so pretty!)
Chopped fresh spinach
Artichoke hearts (Damn, I forgot I had those!)
Minced parsley and/or fresh mint
Roasted eggplant w/lemon, oregano and olive oil

Make at least 4 cups polenta with any recipe you want. I added chopped fresh parsley to mine at the end to make it pretty! (I like my food pretty, goddamn it!)

When polenta is finished, you can put it into any size tin you want, from miniature tart size to regular ole' pie pan. (I had enough to make 8 small 4" inch tarts and an 8" pie pan). Now this is VERY important, oil or spray Pam first BEFORE you fill pans.

When pans are ready, quickly fill one at a time, using a butter knife to smooth out the polenta like you would frost a cake. I tried to keep the the polenta thinner on the base of the pan and thicker on the edges. But that's just a suggestion.

Now, don't do what I did...which was make all these pretty pizzas before I let the polenta set up, then I had to make them all messy trying to flip the polenta out of the molds. So dumb! Let your polenta cool down and set up, either on the kitchen counter or the fridge, if you have the space. THEN, loosen them w/a butter knife and decorate them as you wish. A little sauce, a little feta, chopped spinach, roasted peppers and some olives. I topped off each one with a tsp of parmesan. Then, I placed them on a baking sheet, and put them in the freezer. So now I have my own little PRETTY pizza whenever I want one. And I'll have an extra one for Zorba, in case he stops by...

(I just hope he's lot younger with some deodorant on and no mustache)

(Oh, and not drunk)

Why I suck at laundry

There are times when I just can't stand to walk into my dingy, depressing kitchen. You know those days, when you would rather stick your head in the oven then face the people you live with and their constant demands for nourishment. Like, the whining from my kids telling me how hungry they are; my husband hanging on the open fridge door asking what's for dinner; my dog Lulu (Chick's sister, by the way) her eyes glued to my every move, in case I drop that hunk of beef on the floor, accidentally; even my cat Gigi, who stretches up the cabinet doors to demand that I throw something her way. All these creatures drive me fucking insane at least once a week.

And then, there are the times when I thank my lucky stars that I am blessed to be one of the best cooks I know, and yes that's bragging, but I am tooting my own horn because this gift has saved my bacon more times than I can count. Especially since I suck at laundry, my husband's major pet peeve with me. Because, basically, I hate doing it. Any of it. And I'm lucky my husband's Monk-like compulsion gets it done, otherwise we'd be dressed in towels for the rest of our lives.

But enough about laundry. The reason why I'm writing today is because there are those other times, whether you consider them magical or not, when you go into the kitchen and whip up something totally out of the blue that is fuckin' fabulous! Today was one of those days. Today I came up with this little gem: Greek Polenta Pizzas. They are awesome and easy to make. I will post the recipe if you guys want it because these babies are so good they'd make even Zorba dance on a table.

'F' is for Fitness Panic

It's been a busy week and a half since my monumental let down at the last WW meeting (1lb). But this week I lost an additional 4.4 pounds! When I weighed in on Tuesday, I even got a little star sticker! Silly, I know, but it made me feel good in a first grade kinda way.

Last week I also started school, which means that I had my first official collegiate gym class. I decided on a beginning fitness class on Friday mornings. I was very nervous, especially when I couldn't find the class. The room number was not to be found in the gymnasium; it was OUTSIDE on the friggin' track, in 45 degree weather! And did I mention that it's a 2 hour class? What the hell was I thinking? I do admit that the class is full of a diverse group of people of all ages (18-65+) and the teacher is cool. We spent the first 25 minutes, freazing our ass off just reading the stupid syllabus and then we were told we had to do a fitness test to establish just how out of shape we really were. And that's when it hit me...the full blown panic I used to feel each and every spring starting from when I was in 2nd grade: the annual anxiety attack that would accompany the Presidential Fitness Test.

Now, if you were in grade school sometime in the '80's you may know what I'm talking about. You know, all those stupid tests to see how out of shape the average American kid really was, all defined by how many situps you could do, how far you could jump and how fast you could run the mile. All those tests sucked, especially the mile run, which I could never do, because by the first half of my first lap I looked like a dog with its head out the car window, with my tongue literally hanging out of my mouth, which was really painful, actually. I was usually winded by the first lap and STILL had three more laps to do. It was a nightmare. I used to get physically ill before school on mile day and actually throw up. How sad is that.

But all that panic was nothing compared to the outright dread I had of the FLEX ARM HANG. Yes, I have to capitalize it, it's so fuckin' awful. I could never do it for more than 3 seconds, seriously, and that was every year till I graduated from high school. There was always one girl though, one petite little thing whose ass usually would fit in the palm of my hand, who could do the hang for hours! There was even this one girl, Susan, a mousy little sprite that weighed literally 5 oz, who could hang for at least 3 minutes. I actually remember the teacher telling her to stop because she was bored. God I hated that girl.

Well, it just so happened that the flex arm hang was on our fitness test on Friday and I immediately felt so depressed. But I held my head up. I rallied. And without the aid of a friggin' chair, I jumped up and hung for exactly...0 seconds. My partner hung for 22 seconds. I don't hate her though, even though she fits the bill being all skinny and tall. I got over it. I figure as long as I can lift my heavy head above the bar and hold it for 2 seconds in May, I'll get an A.

There were other tests too, like sit ups, from the ground all the way to the top of your knees, without help to hold your feet down, and without your feet leaving the ground either. Now, I thought I would kick ass on this test but it was hard! I barely did 6. I did better on pushups, 15 (the girl kind) and flexibility. I could easily reach beyond my feet by 6 inches (thank god). We haven't run yet. Hopefully we'll do that next week. We have to do as many laps as we can around the track within 12 minutes. But I'm not worried 'cuz I'll be walking. Besides, I figure no matter how bad I do now, I know I'll do better in May. Because I will weigh less and at least be in better shape...I hope.


No. I know I'll do better because no one wants to get an 'F' in gym.

Snacking On Apples And Paxil

Entering the apex of the problem. Stress management. I have just come back from the psychiatrist and I know that going was the right thing to do. He is going to phase me out of Welbutrin and he wants me to double my paxil dose. So far so good. At the apex of a lot of my problems is the beer drinking. Alcohol. No one needs to tell me about the evils of alcohol or why I should stop drinking so much. I already know which is why I am seeking help. The psychiatrist has asked me to find a treatment facility for substance abuse.

If I don't address the drinking then no amount of meds are going to help me. The alcohol reduces the efficacy of the medications and exacerbates both depression and anxiety. I want to not drink most of the time but still be able to drink when with friends. This is very important to me. To retain the ability to socially drink. What treatment center is going to be willing to work with me when my goal isn't to quit forever but to get back a healthier relationship with beer and wine?

I'll tell you one thing, I will not go to AA. I don't like those programs (I went to the Nicotine Anonymous group for a while). I don't like the way it works. I don't like the twelve step approach. I vehemently dislike the rampant talk of God at those meetings. I know you don't have to be religious to benefit from them, but a lot of the program is based on reaching your inner strength through God.

Anyway. That's the dirtiest laundry I've ever aired. I think. It is the key to changing this direction I've been going in. Oh, the psychiatrist confirmed that I have mild OCD. (Oh, wait, some of the evidence for this diagnosis is very embarrassing to me and I only recently admitted this evidence to Philip so I guess I still have some undisclosed dirty laundry.) (Thank goodness, a girl's gotta have some secrets, right?)

So, the nicest thing about this visit to the psychiatrist is that he was thorough, thoughtful, asked a lot of questions, listened, and told me at the end of the session that from what little he knows of me and having heard a little about my past he believes I'm a person with a very deep well of strength and that I just need to learn to access it again. It made me feel good. He feels like I'll be able to get myself to a better place, even with regards to the drinking.

By the way, I am pretty sensitive about the issue of the drinking and one reason why I have not wanted to discuss it in the past is because I want to get through it being able to drink like a normal person but if all my friends know that I have had a problem with it* they may be watchful and make comments and that would really bother me a lot. So if you want to say something, just be warned that I'm a little touchy about it. I wouldn't put it here except that it's such a big part of the change I have to make in order to get myself in shape. It feels like it belongs here. Food and drink. Health and fitness.

I feel like all these baby steps are reinforcing my strength and my trust in myself. I still have not eaten after seven pm. Although I did end up going over my calorie goal on Saturday when we had friends over, I didn't eat seconds of dinner which is hard for me to do when I'm with friends and good food, so that was a small step. Since then I've been right on track with my calories.

I really need exercise because I haven't done anything in the last couple of days. I don't want to leave Ozark alone here and today he's crying out and is paralyzed and I've got him wrapped up in my bed. I know I should go get air but I can't bear the thought of leaving him completely alone when he's in this condition. Knowing him, he'll probably be alive for another couple of days and if I let that stop me from getting exercise then I lose out.

So, part two of this journey begins tomorrow. Double meds, no beer. What will I do to keep from panicking in the evenings? How will I remain calm and mellow? These are the questions that must be answered. I may have to violate my local eating challenge to replace beer with a beverage that will help me get through the evenings. Tonic and lime with no gin is often tangy and slightly bitter so satisfies...plus the bubbles. I'm thinking on this. I've just got to believe that I can get through evenings without leaded beverages. This will be so nice for my liver and heart.

Enough. How are the rest of you doing this week?



*All my friends already know I drink too much, I just don't know if they all know how much this issue has been bothering me. Don't tell me though. I don't really want to know what anyone has been suspecting.

My big ass is a movin'!

Still here, still working towards my goals and probably a little too impressed with myself. Seriously, I've worked out 8 times since January 7th, THAT'S HUGE for me. Normally I give up after the 2nd time which is why I'm in this predicament. I'm just glad that I'm sticking with it this time and might actually achieve what I've been wanting for 6 long years now. I'm tired of wearing fat girl clothes and hiding my size. I can't wait until I can wear normal clothes again and show people that I'm not some boring, dumpy gal.

But so far I've lost around 7 pounds and I think/ hope I break the 190 barrier by the end of this month. If that happens, I'm going to have to do a little dance because I haven't' gotten out of the 190's in years!!!

Weigh In #2

I thought about not posting about my weigh in because it was rather disappointing, but I decided that I need to post about it. It will help keep me honest and hopefully spur my motivation. I didn't lose any weight this week. In fact I gained 1/2 lb. I was really surprised by this because I have been feeling that my pants were looser the past couple of days, so I was looking forward to a good weigh in. I worked out four days this week, walked one and was fairly careful with what I ate. The things that weren't so good were: not drinking enough water, not always being very conscientious with portion sizes, having pizza on Sunday night for our family movie night and eating a rather large cookie. I used to eat these cookies in one go (you know the ones, Angelina, the chocolate chip ones from Harvest Fresh), however, I did make a gain in this department by only eating half on Friday night and then a bit more than a quarter yesterday morning. I still have some left, so that's actually a small improvement.

Weigh In

I just have to post again to say that I just weighed myself for the first time since the beginning of the week and I have lost a total of 6 pounds!!

So I'm at 224 lbs down from 230.

Well that's encouraging.

I wonder if the exercise had anything to do with it?

Week In Review

This picture is kind of how I feel.
Stripped bare and cold.

I think that this has been one of those weeks where I would have fully expected to try to pickle myself with fat and sugar. It hasn't been stellar in the food department but I am proud of the fact that I have stuck to the evening snack smack-down. I also didn't buy any type of sugar in 16 oz frozen tubs. None. Even though I wanted to. I managed to get some exercise in. And I even made some healthier choices where normally in a bad week I would have expected to make much cheesier choices. Progress in inches is still progress.

I'm thinking about doing a weekly weigh in to motivate myself and make myself a little more accountable (and on a schedule). I'm also thinking of recording here my daily calorie counting. I know this can be tedious stuff but I was thinking I would put it at the bottom of my posts. I would list what I've eaten and the total calorie count. That way I can look back over time and see where to make changes, or see where I've already successfully made changes. I hope none of you will mind if I record the details here? I'll think about it some more first. I need to find ways of obligating myself to record the calories every day. Once I slack off a little it all goes down hill.

I have to say that trying to lose weight on an eat local challenge isn't very easy. It's not that there's nothing to make, it's just that things I would normally count on to help ease off of more fattening meals, such as ketchup on certain things, or using feta in place of cheddar, and being able to buy a huge variety of vegetables and to be able to put them on rice...these are things I don't have at my disposal right now. I don't have a lot of grain choices and my natural bent would be to eat vegetables with cous cous or rice a few times a week. Instead I can eat potatoes.

It just requires that I think more about what to cook ahead of time and I've already slipped up this week with meal planning (meaning I didn't plan any). So that's an area that I need to pay closer attention to.

OK, I must go get my child in the bath tub. I hope you all are having a good start to the week-end!

How to Maintain Enthusiasm

Cold hard cash. That would help motivate most people, right? I mentioned before that I would like to slim down for a wedding in May. My sister and my mom (who is a lurker on this blog) are also trying to slim down. So the three of us have a little weight loss competition going now. The winner gets paid cash at the end, which is in mid-May. It's not a lot of cash, but hey $80 is $80.

I have worked out only three times this week, so far, but I did an extra walk yesterday (in below freezing weather) and haven't had any baked goods! I've been struggling to increase my water consumption because I'm just not a thirsty person; I really have to watch it all day to just get two quarts in. I'm hoping for a pleasant weigh in on Sunday morning.

Well, That Poses a Conundrum

So, I have this funky ear bone infection, right? And I'm on some damned antibiotic that is making me itch and bothers my stomach. AND I've been doing yoga (which, before the infection I was gonna write a post about "Yoga. I Hate Stupid Fucking Yoga" and how I didn't know yoga could actually hurt and all that shit).

So, all this added together has made my hungry. No, wait. HUNGRY. No, wait.

HUNGRY.

Yeah. That's about right.

I've been keeping a food journal and this has been keeping me in check -- about 2200 calories a day. Which is way more than I had planned on eating and considering this is me being really fucking careful it makes me wonder how many calories I have been eating before the journaling and that makes me want to go suck my thumb in a corner and cry.

ANYWAY.

Aaron (my husband) thinks I need to let go of the calorie counting until I get over this ear-bone thing. Because, quite honestly, this ear-bone thing is rather important and if I don't take care of myself and eat enough calories I may not battle the infection and it may spread to my brain which would result in brain surgery and/or death and I really do not want to have to experience brain surgery and/or death anytime in the immediate future.

But where's the line?

Where's the line of saying, okay, I'm gonna eat more so I can properly battle this infection and woohoo! I'm making cupcakes!

Because quite honestly, I have a difficult time distinguishing the two.

Well, blogger didn't care for my last title so we'll all have to live with this one.*

We've all made it through half way through January and I'm pretty damned impressed with us. Normally by now, I would be petering out. My resolutions would be losing their shine along with my willpower succumbing to "just a little treat" here and there. By now, I would have stopped emailing my friends about my lost weight and hoped that they forgot about my 5 am trips to the gym.

Yes, it may only be 16 days into the new year but this time things feel different. More hopeful, more positive that I will make this change. And that inspires me even more. I've also been inspired by all of you to be more kind to myself and more forgiving when I stumble. I wish I had the right words to explain it. But it's simply that I'm giving myself the room I need to make this work. No beating myself up for missed work outs (I needed to sleep today) but faith in myself that I will go tomorrow. And I will. Which is new.

So I propose that we raise our glasses of clear, cool water and salute ourselves! We may have gained or lost but we haven't given up! And hot damn, I'm proud of that.

* I guess blogger doesn't like the mention of apocalyptic doom. Who knew?
**Photo Courtesy of Matt Needham Photography
*** I DID MAKE IT TO THE GYM THIS MORNING AND IT HAD SNOWED 3INCHES LAST NIGHT & I STILL WENT. WOO FREAKIN' HOO!

Starting Fresh, AGAIN.

So, yesterday was one of the worst ones I've had in a long time. Which is saying quite a lot, actually. Now that I've vented and cried so hard my eyes look like they're puffed full of air I think I'm ready to face the fact that I had a lot of cheese and butter yesterday and will pretty much have to start over with my weight loss goals. That's alright though. In a way, by shutting down my business completely, I have shed a thousand pounds of psychic weight.

Plus it's really frosty out. If I can get out of my pajamas before it's all gone I will take pictures of my ghosty yard. I don't know what weird natural phenomenon is at work today but I actually saw glitter falling from the sky. I know I wasn't imagining it because I made Philip look too and he confirmed it: glitter was falling from the sky!

That's gotta be a good omen, right?

A pound off my ass is worth...what, exactly?

So it's Tuesday and according to the WW scale, I have only lost 1 measly pound since last week. I could be bummed out but you know what? I'm happy to have lost that pound of butter off my ass! This past week was at times difficult but I feel good about the changes I have made irregardless of what that ole' prune said at the counter, "Are you sure you followed the PLAN?" Oh please, I could write the effin' plan. So, there! (here's where I stick out my tongue)

I would rather lose 1 healthy pound a week eating my homemade food than by eating pre-packaged breakfast bars and drinking diet coke (no offense). These changes I'm making have to be permanent, they have to stick around forever. So I'm not going to leave the ole' WW but I'm not going get all depressed because according to their established system I'm not making progress.

Vive las nalgas grandes!!

About the giant new header...

I made this new header because Laura used the prase "ye olde fat assery" on her blog and it made me laugh for five minutes straight. I had to use it. So, maybe you all know that what I know about using photo shop can be fit on the head of a pin. I did this all by myself. I have already re-done it several times. Sometimes starting from scratch because I couldn't seem to make anything work when I wanted to change what I'd already done. So I finally got it to where I kind of liked it. I really didn't get how big it was going to be. So I've gone back twice now to change the image size and it has (obviously) not worked.

I ask you to be patient while I hit my head against the brick wall in my office.

But while I have your attention...I just want to say that I got exercise two days in a row. I did my shopping on my bicycle again (though to the store that's much closer to me) and today I gave the dog a half an hour walk. Eventually I want to drag myself to the gym. I better get a little momentum going first.

I guess I better go tally up my daily calories and sit on my hands some more.

Right after I work on my stupid huge header again.

FIVE MINUTES LATER*****

Fuck it. I can't get it right. Now it looks squished and crappy. I was just being silly anyway. It just seemed a shame not to use a picture of a giant turnip that cost me about $6.00. As soon as I figure something better out, I will put up something better. OK? OK.

This one's for you, Angelina...

Just so you all don't think I'm some smarmy, stuck-up, self-appointed diet guru, I do make real food, like these tasty tamales with sweet potato and butter masa, filled with sweet potatoes, smoky roasted pasilla peppers, sweet corn and nutty Irish cheddar. YUM, YUM, YUM!!!!!!!!
I would serve these tasty numbers to Angelina with black beans and sour cream and sometimes, a little sliced avocado, heaven!

I'm beginning to get a real appreciation for food stylists.

I hope to include more pics in the future now that I know how to post them. Happy Sunday!

Happy Sunday!

So, Sunday morning is my weekly weigh in and guess what?

3 pounds!!!!

I'm so happy that those workouts paid off even though it was so hard to get going every morning.

Thai Rice Noodles

Adapted from The Oregonian

• 12 ounces dried rice noodles ( I just use a full package)
• 3-6 tablespoons vegetable oil (I use coconut)
• 24 ounces chicken breast, steak or tofu cut into bite sized pieces
• 4 cloves, minced
• 2 tablespoons fresh ginger, minced
• 4 cups broccoli florets
• 2 cups thinly sliced carrots
• 2 small onions, thinly sliced
• 1/2 cup oyster sauce
• 2 tablespoons firmly packed brown sugar (I use sucanat)

Cook noodles in salted boiling water for 3 to 4 minutes or until al dente; drain.

In a large nonstick skillet, heat several tablespoons of the oil. Add cooked noodles; cook and stir for 3 to 4 minutes or until edges of noodles just begin to turn golden. Remove and set aside.

Add remaining oil to skillet; add chicken (beef or tofu), garlic and ginger. Cook and stir for 2 to 3 minutes or until chicken is no longer pink. Stir in broccoli, carrots and onion; cook until vegetable become crisp tender. Meanwhile, combine oyster sauce, brown sugar and a bit of water. When vegetable are crisp tender, add the oyster sauce mixture and noodles. Heat through.

My notes: This recipe makes about eight servings, so it makes it convenient for leftovers and the leftovers are very tasty, unlike some leftover dishes. I have made this and skipped the step where you fry the noodles and it is worth it to do the frying step because the dish turns out kind of sticky and gummy without. If you are really short on time, you can skip it, the taste is fine, the texture will just be not as good.

Sorry I didn't take a picture before we ate it all.

Lift Up Those Boobs And Run!

Just kidding. Sort of. I didn't lift my boobs and I didn't run, but I did finally get my fat ass on my bicycle to run to the store to buy a few groceries. One thing became instantly clear: I am out of shape. Boy did it feel good to get moving though. It always does. Once I am in motion. It has been so hard to start this portion of my plan. The part where I haul ass and break a sweat.

I've realized another thing I really need to work on which is that if: communications break down between my brain and my body and I find myself ingesting a donut against the protestations of my inner voice, I don't actually have to ditch all other good choices for that day. I have tended to let myself believe that if I've already messed up on my diet that I may as well scrap all efforts for the day, and in fact, tend to then overindulge in ways I wouldn't indulge normally even if I wasn't on a diet. It's as though I'm a diet perfectionist. Not good enough to come close to meeting my goal, I either have to meet it or dive off the board into a sea of cheese.

So, the next time I come face to face with a table full of donuts and pastries and other crap (which I now know will occur once a week at my Master Gardener's class) and I find myself eating something off of that evil table, I can still insist that I follow my intentions directly afterwards. Making a little mistake doesn't have to become a big mistake.

At least I still haven't snacked after 7pm all week which shows that I am developing a little bit of discipline. I know it's not much, but every time I exert that ability to win over the demands of comfort and familiarity, and instead insist on sticking with my plan I am reinforcing a greater sense self control. Michele, I have to tell you that I had to sit on my hands a couple of nights this week to keep myself from seeking cheese at 10pm. I thought of you and how hard you've been working and I got through it. So thanks!

I'm going to develop more sane and healthy habits if it kills me.

Ha. My little joke to self.

This has been a tough week so far and I'm not beating myself up for the things I didn't accomplish. Instead I am hopeful. My cat goes into the vet tomorrow (unless he dies first) and we may need to put him to sleep, but even if we do, I'm not going to let that be an excuse to ditch caring well for myself.

A Plethora of Portions

These are some of the things I have cooked this week in my attempt to keep my portions under control. Frozen in 1/2 cup containers clockwise, from top right: roasted yams, brown/wild rice, masoor dal with spinach and Thai green curry with lite coconut milk. They are all tasty and surprisingly filling. The curry is actually a sauce and is quite spicy. I would add this to something, not eat the whole thing by itself. As I have been charting my progress this week, I have been surprised how full I get when I take the time to chew!!! I am always so hungry that I wolf down my food, without thought, and feel totally bloated and uncomfortable. So, by limiting my portions, I have to make the most of what is on my plate. The I don't tend towards gluttony. Here are some tricks I've used this past week that have been helpful:

1. Separate and/or freeze portions of food into containers or bags. The food you made will go farther and will make life so much easier when you starving and need to eat something in a hurry.

2. Use a smaller plate like a salad plate to eat from. This tricks your brain (and hopefully your stomach) to feel as if it's getting a larger portion, when actually it isn't.

3. Chew, chew, chew. When I'm hungry, I wolf. Chewing forces you to take the time to taste your food and make it last longer.

4. Breathe. Take deep breaths throughout the day and get more oxygen. It floods your system and refocuses your attention.

5. Cook something healthy just for yourself. This allows you to try something different or even exotic without the groans from your husband or frowns from your kids. It brings more creativity to the table and by packaging it in little containers, you can enjoy for lunch with nobody making faces at you.

6. Cook basic staples (like brown rice, spaghetti sauce, soup or other time consuming dishes) and freeze them. Then when you're hungry, you won't splurge on 4 oz of cheddar and 20 crackers (my favorite fast lunch) and feel good that you made a healthier choice.


Well, we will see if I can put my money where my mouth is next week when I go back to school. I'm particularly worried about my classes on M/W. I have three, right in a row, with no more than 15 minutes in between. I'll need to bring my own food but I doubt I'll have much time to eat it. I'll need to experiment to see what works. How are you guys doing out there?

::Grumble, Grumble::

With Griffin being sick and staying home from school today, I decided this would be a GREAT day to figure out how many calories I usually eat for breakfast.

Holy fuck.

First things first, I removed the gluten-free sausages out of the freezer. Now, I've freaked out over these before -- three little sausage links for 250 calories and 24 grams of fat. That's why when I do eat them I only eat two.

Yesterday I finally got myself a non-stick pan for making myself scrambled eggs (both of my boys are allergic to eggs, so none for them). So, I got the teeniest, tiniest bit of butter and looked at the egg calories. Seventy calories per egg. Not too bad. I got on the internet, 20 calories per egg white. So I made myself three egg whites, one whole egg and a smidge of half-and-half (which? in the non-stick pan I don't think I'll be needing that anymore). Total calories -- 165. Which really isn't all that bad considering that how much protein is there.

Then I got the muffins out of the freezer (gluten-free chocolate chip Kinnikinnick muffins, because I haven't mastered the plan of constantly keeping us in breakfast baked items) and oh my hell, 197 calories per muffing. And I usually eat two.

So, just one for today. Damn.

Then there's the orange juice (110 calories for a cup) and coffee (140 calories after I added all the sugar and half-and-half to make it palatable) and it's only 8 am and I've already consumed 612 calories.

Had I not been paying attention it could have easily been 894 calories.

No wonder my scale isn't budging as quickly as I'd like. I need to pay more attention to what I eat.

Reasonable Treats And Bad Therapists

(and how Angelina discovers that her attitude sucks)

My yogurt cheese tastes great! I am so impressed with it's creaminess, even though I used a low fat yogurt for it. In fact, I see no reason to use cream cheese again. This is what I just had for part of my dinner. It's one slice of whole wheat toast spread with three tablespoons of yogurt cheese, and topped with jalapeno jelly. I used a lot more jelly than I necessarily needed to for the sake of a pretty picture. If I were to make this as a non photographed snack I would have used only 1 tablespoon of the jelly instead of three.

Total impact of pretty snack: 326 calories
Total impact of less pretty snack with less jelly: 222 calories

For a super-model those numbers would be devastating. For normal people who are sticking with the 2000 calorie a day recommendation, this is pretty good.

I am very impressed with every one's progress! (Don't I sound like a den mother?) I have evened out the possible damage I did this week-end and the scale says that I have still lost 3.5 pounds. Whew! Still no exercise.

I went to my second therapy session today and it was awful. I really hate it when I get the feeling that I know more about mental health than my therapist. Here's why I hate doing things like finding a hairdresser, finding a new doctor, or a new therapist: I hate having to break up with them. So now I know I don't want to see this woman again but I HATE having to tell the truth "I don't want to see you anymore because it turns out you suck"

When we were discussing my bad attitude about all the struggles I've been going through in the past two years she pointed out that everyone struggles, that I'm not any different than everyone else who's struggling out there.

God dammit. I don't need to go to therapy to have someone tell me that my troubles are just a drop in the bucket of the troubles other people have, I am in therapy to talk about MY TROUBLES. She was trying to give me perspective I suppose. Then she kept going on and on about how I could have a B12 deficiency, which while possible, is unlikely. I know a lot about nutrition and I know that egg yolks are packed with B12 and I EAT EGGS ALMOST EVERY SINGLE DAY. So unless I have a B12 sucking disease, I think I've probably got enough.

The whole time I was in there today I kept asking myself why I was there. What do I really hope anyone can do for me in therapy? The major issue is a psychiatric one and she can't help me with that. Do I hope that someone will give me answers? Do I hope that someone can wave a magic wand and make me feel less bitter about the struggling I've been going through for the last 30 months. Maybe I hoped that she would tell me that I don't really have to get a stupid ass job.

Anyway, I found her very annoying. So I came away more ruffled and also feeling dirty because I cried in front of her.

Maybe I did get something out of it though. I realized how bitter I am and how stubborn and obstinate I am, dragging my feet about facing reality because I'm pretty sure it might kill me. I keep telling people I'm not sad, but I guess I really am awfully depressed because I keep looking down the maw of my future and all I see is a long string of days that are all the same, all filled with icky florescent lighting, all of them spent facing icky people at a cash register, all of them spent away from the place that feeds my spirit (home) and my kid not having his needs met either. This is what the future looks like to me and it fucking sucks.

So that's a pretty lousy attitude I have going right there. I don't really know how to move past that. I don't think a therapist can do it. The change can only come from me. I've moved past a whole lot worse before in my life and I do know it takes time and a lot of self talk (like I'm doing right now, even though I'm pretending I'm talking to you out there).

I know that if I am going to make physical changes I will need to make spiritual changes too. They are completely tied up in each other for me. I grab onto eating rituals like they can save my soul. I can't actually explain this well, but my habits get kind of obsessive compulsive in that I can't have 1 beer left over in the fridge at night or it totally nags at my brain, honestly, I have no idea why but it almost hurts my head. I have to have one beer for every episode of a show I watch on DVD's. So if I start drinking a beer and end up with some left over after an episode is done (getting me totally out of sync) I will have to watch another episode. On and on it goes.

I also don't like certain foods to be left over, not for any reason that makes sense but because it's sort of uneven.

See, this is the kind of stuff I should be telling a therapist. Instead mine is telling me that everyone struggles, so I should stop feeling so special. Thanks. Suck it up Angelina!

So. So I think that even though it tangles my stomach in knots just to think about it, I will cancel my appointment next week. Maybe I can call early in the morning so I can avoid talking to her and having to explain how she really annoys me.

So, the reason I eat way more than I should and drink too much alcohol and watch too many Frasier discs is because I am one hell of a stressed out person. Unless I address the stress, I won't make long term progress. And I really want to make long term progress.

Not a great day. But the yogurt cheese is really good.

Minor Victories

Well, I managed to make it through a whole workout this morning. A whole workout right now is 16 minutes on the elliptical machine, which isn't exactly an amazing athletic feat, but it's a start for me. I had been able to only do 13 minutes previously this week due to the previously mentioned breathing difficulties.

The other minor victory is that I had a friend over on Monday morning and I didn't bake anything to eat with coffee. I pretty much always bake something to go with coffee if I know in advance that a friend is coming over. Yay! I didn't have the leftover baked goods tempting me, because you know, it wouldn't be so bad to have a little something with the coffee; it is the pan of leftovers that is the doozy.

I also made a pan of delicious Thai noodles last night. They are quick and easy to prepare and I can post the recipe if there is interest. The objectionable ingredients are oyster sauce, which wouldn't be suitable for gluten-free eaters or, obviously, vegetarians. It does call for chicken, for which I substitute beef, but tofu could easily be substituted or even left out.

A million years ago, I used to be teensy.

And I used to have really bad hair. (thankfully, you can't see the large black velvet bow in back)
And not know when to stop with the lipstick.

Funny, with all the weight I've gained, I still wouldn't trade places with that girl. I may be fatter but life is a hell of a lot better.

And speaking of better.... I've lost 4 pounds. I've managed to go to the gym twice this week and I've gone 7 days without eating after 7pm OR hitting my husband. And seriously, when I first stopped eating after 7pm, I was NOT nice. I was crabby, irritable and just down right angry. I hadn't realized how much I used my late night eating as my reward and/or mood booster. You know, the whole- "Just get through this and then you can have that pint of Chubby Hubby. You've totally earned it".

Some nights I felt like a junkie. Just sitting on the couch and NOT going into the kitchen took every ounce of willpower I had. It was also frightening to look at myself and my life and to see how much I used food to pacify myself. That is not some one I want to be.

Luckily, the white knuckle cravings/ habit has died down a little bit and hopefully I'll be better prepared next time I have a rough couple of days.

I hope.

Lunch

This was lunch. Normally you would probably only have a quarter or a half of the size of this serving. In case you can't tell from my blurry-ass picture, it's Two Bean Marinated Salad (cousin to the more famous "Three Bean" kind). I canned a lot of it and it's good. It is surprisingly lightweight on the calorie front. I also had the last orange and two kiwis. This looks like a meager lunch but I had a hearty breakfast and potato salad for dinner. I know potato salad is considered a dieter's hell but I don't use tons of mayonnaise, not for dieting reasons but because it grosses me out if there is a lot of it. I did the numbers on the potato salad and a generous portion only amounted to 270 calories. I realize it's starch. Pure carbohydrates.

I don't care.

Oh god it was good.

So, I have been keeping within my calorie limits for the last two days and have been drinking more water, and also have not had a single nibble past seven pm...all good progress.

But something must be done about this problem I have with going to bed. 1 am is not a good time to knock off. 2 pm is even worse. So tonight I am going to be in bed by 12am. I was going to make it 11pm but I feel like that isn't realistic since I've been going to bed so much later.

Good God, I have been boring the bejeezus out of myself for the last two days. Oh well.

I also haven't started exercising. This is the week to start.

Any day now.

I Learned Something New Today

Yesterday I bought myself this ungodly expensive prepared fruit container because it's not enough that I'm fat, but I'm lazy too.


Turns out I really don't like mangoes.

Oh My God, Becky, Look at Her Butt; it is So Big

Dang.

You all are a bunch of clickty-clickty-writer-writey-writers. I've been stumped, trying to think of an eloquent way to say, "Hi, I'm Laura. I got a big ass," but you know what? THERE'S NO ELOQUENT WAY TO PUT THAT.

On New Year's Eve I weighed 250.5 pounds (and I'm 5 foot six, for anyone who cares). I know this because my husband and I got into a fight because he recorded some show on the BBC about women who have big boobs and he wants me to buy some new bras, because the sisters are hanging around my gut, but I haven't because I'll either have to order them online or drive over 300 miles to a store because the last time I had my boobs properly measured they came in as a 36L as in LAURA'S TITTIES ARE WAY TO BIG.


Of course, I use to not weight this much. Hell no, I use to weigh over 335 pounds.

I know it was more because the scale maxed out at 335. That's a special feeling right there. Getting on a scale and it saying "might break! too much weight! one of you all needs to step off!"

Ahem.

Now, I've been overweight my whole life. Okay, maybe not my whole life, looking back on childhood pictures I was a pretty thin kid but I had a step-monster (step-mother) who constantly told me I was fat so I believed it and I became it.

The art of suggestion. It's a bitch.

The summer I was 15 she and my dad separated. Over that summer I gained over 40 pounds. By the time I was 18 years old I weighed about 250 and had been at that weight for two years.

That's when I had the "excellent" idea of joining Weight Watchers. Weight Watchers in the '90s wasn't exactly the bestest idea in the world. Yes, over the course of five months I lost 60 pounds. But I also got extremely sick with some medical issues that are still causing me problems today.

Moral: DON'T LOSE WEIGHT TOO DAMN QUICKLY.

Through college my body found a "happy" medium of around 235. Once I graduated and got a "real job" (read: sit on my ass all day), I ballooned up around 260. Then came marriage, and a pregnancy and breastfeeding and eating lots of calories in order to make breast milk and viola, at my first son's first birthday I done broke the doctor's scale at somewhere over 335.

So, I decided to do something about it. Number one was to stop eating like I was my own country because damn, it doesn't take no 3,000 calories a day to produce breastmilk.

The second thing I did was do a lot of reading. Since I have so many health issues (thyroid, poly-cystic ovearies, thighs that can easily make fire from all the rubbing together) I read all kinds of different books on health and diets. The philosophy of eating I choose to follow was the " Zone Diet."

I choose the Zone Diet because it was more about health and how to properly balance your blood sugar and insulin. It's a great, healthy way of eating that is especially awesome for anyone who is diabetic or pre-diabetic (like those who have poly-cystic ovaries are) or anyone who requires oxygen to breathe.

Between the time of my first son's birthday (Griffin) and getting pregnant with my second son (Darwin) I got down to 290 pounds, in a span of six months. Throughout my second pregnancy I did a pretty good job maintaining my weight until my third trimester and ended up only gaining 30 in those last three bed-ridden months.

Darwin is now three and a half, Griffin's nearly six and I've been plateaud at 250 for well over a year.

So... yeah. I'm working on it again. But not crazy let's-land-ourself-in-the-hospital-again, hell no.

It's more, let's eat more fruits and veggies, give up the pop (I officially haven't had a Pepsi for six days, someone pat me on my back) and continue to eat in my normal, healthy way only without the weekly pan of brownies.

Sounds like a start, right?

TGIM???

WOW! I've never been so happy it's Monday. The kids are back at school and I have lost

3.2 pounds!!


Thank God! What a great start to my week. Today I go to the Y and get on that treadmill. I'm not going to push it but ease into it.

I have a recipe to post that is meat-free, gluten-free and easy to do. It's Moong Dal pancakes, an indian recipe that I modified from a Madhur Jaffrey recipe. They're great for a quick lunch and freeze well. I usually eat them with steamed spinach and raita yogurt salad.


Moong Dal Pancakes*

12 moong dal soaked overnight in 4 cups of water
1 cup buttermilk
1/2 cup chopped scallions or onions
2 minced garlic cloves
1 tbsp minced fresh ginger
1/4 tsp turmeric
1/4 tsp or less of cayenne
1/4 tsp baking soda
1/8-1/4 tsp cayenne
1/2 tsp cumin
salt and pepper

Drain dal, add to blender along with all the remaining ingredients EXCEPT baking soda. Process mixture until smooth and frothy, about 2-3 minutes. Add water if you need to loosen the batter. Pour into deep bowl and stir in baking soda. Heat up non-stick pan and spray with Pam. Ladle out 1/2 cup of batter and smooth into a 6 inch round. Cook 3 minutes and before you flip the pancake, spray the uncooked surface with Pam again, then flip and cook for 2 minutes more. Layer pancakes with paper towels on a plate. Stir the batter before each pancake. Freeze with wax paper in between. Makes approx 10-11 6 in pancakes or 22 3 in pancakes.

*Moong dal is split mung beans, which are yellow and used generally in Asian cooking. I can find them at the grocery store or usually at the health food store. You could substitute the mung beans with pink, yellow, green or brown lentils, but you probably won't need to soak them for more than 3 hours, but you may want to experiment.

Raita (yogurt salad)

1 cup lowfat or nonfat yogurt
1/2 tsp cumin
couple shakes of cayenne
salt/pepper to taste
2 tbsp chopped cilantro
2 tsbp chopped scallion

Mix; makes 4 1/4 c servings. You can add almost anything to this recipe. I like radishes, cooked potatoes, mashed roasted eggplant, sweet potatoes, red onion, mint, etc. Delicioso.

The Pig Has Left The Room

This week-end was my 38th birthday and my 15th wedding anniversary and consequently amounted to a week-end of indulgence. I am proud of a couple of factors though. My mom made stuffed manicotti for me on Saturday and this is what was left over. I felt it was a little bit much for one serving but not enough to cut in half. I hate putting mice portions of left-overs in the fridge. But then I thought of all the combined efforts you guys have been putting into making healthy changes and I said to myself "Piglet, perhaps if you find you are dying of hunger after eating half of this then you can eat the rest of it later."

I removed almost half of it into a container for the fridge. And this, my friends, is a first for me. Although it's true that I was super hungry, I can't help but think that the portion I left on my plate was actually quite large in itself. But I'm not going to nitpick.

Another thing I want to point out (mostly to myself) is that while I did eat pizza this week-end, and had five cupcakes over the course of two days, and plenty of booze, what I didn't eat is pretty impressive. My loving family, aware that I have a colossal amount of weight to lose, gave me a quart of Ben And Jerry's Cherry Garcia (my favorite), three cookies the size of my head, a weird-ass pastry that I took only a tiny taste of (because Philip twisted my arm behind my back and said "EAT WOMAN!"), a bar of gourmet chocolate, and a small piece of English Toffee. All of those items are now sitting in my house informing me, even as I type, that I am going to be shoving my face full of them any minute now.

Please tell me I'm not going to do that. What do I do with all of that stuff? My family was trying to be sweet to me. But they don't understand how seriously they are undermining my efforts.

The good news is that last week I lost three pounds. This always happens right away when I count calories. My goal is to keep my calorie consumption under 2200 a day. Now, it's not that hard to stay within that goal if you aren't drinking beer or eating total crap. To be honest, I met that goal easily for four days including the beer I drank. So if I lost weight, you can just imagine what my usual daily caloric intake must be. I'm going to guess that it's usually between 3 to 3.5 thousand a day.

I'm not going to weigh myself again until the end of this week because I don't want to see what damage I did this week-end. If I can spend this week meeting my goals again and adding some exercise, then I can perhaps undo the damage I did.

The Statistics Are Dire

I weighed myself this morning. It's bad. Really bad. I was right in thinking that I had gained over the holidays. How bad is it? I've really never done this before, but here it goes. I'm going to post my weight for all to read. I am 5' 2" and I now weigh 214 lbs. Just typing that disgusts me. I'm closer to 300 lbs than I am to 100 lbs. How could I have let it get this bad?

The only thing left to do know is work on improvements. I can't beat myself up over what is already done.

I put warm things on everyone yesterday and went out for a walk with the girls. I have started conscientiously increasing my water intake and decreasing my portion sizes. Even when we had delicious lasagna on Friday, I had only one medium piece with a large winter salad that had spinach, salad mix, and grated carrots and beets that I marinated for a bit in a dijon vinaigrette. I hopped on the elliptical machine this morning, but I was having a very difficult time. I have had a succession of colds since the beginning of the fall and I can feel that my respiratory system isn't up to par. I won't let that get me down, though. I can't.

I hope that my fellow fat asses are having a measure of success with your goals.

Rainy day excuses

Well, it's been a long week and I'm thankful that school starts tomorrow so I can finally go to a WW meeting and the Y. It's not as if I've been avoiding it. The weather here has been horrific and I haven't wanted to leave my house.

No, that's not true. I have been able to get to the grocery store, the video store, my in-laws (who have thankfully taken my kids one at a time for the past three days), Joann's, Staples (for important school stuff) and so on...I thought about going to WW with Sam but I'm not ready to bring him into that world. I have a feeling that he might just make a comment on the size of some of the other members, as any kid would do. Don't think I encourage my kids to point out people in a crowd or anything. It's just that kids honestly report to you in the loudest voice possible when they see something extraordinary, like, "Hey, I saw a deer!" when we're driving in the car or " Wow, check out that monster truck!" or "Boy, that lady is really fat! How do she wipe her ass?" No, no, no, they don't say that, but you get the picture. Basically, I don't want to bring the kids with me. I think I've made that clear enough.

What I have been doing is combing over my many cookbooks for inspiration and avoiding the
picture I must take for you guys. I've had a great time exploring some hidden gems and have decided I really want to try and cook some Thai food. We have a few Asian grocery stores around here and plan on making a visit this week while the kids are in school. I've also reverted back to my old favorite, Indian food. As Angelina knows, I really dig Indian cuisine and to be truthful, there's a lot to love about it. Unfortunately most Americans have a love/hate relationship with it but I gather that in Great Britain it equals Mexican food in its popularity.

Here are my reasons for trying something new, like Indian food:

Meat is optional in their diet. Most dishes include mostly vegetables, sometimes in unusual combinations.

Legumes play an essential part in the Indian diet.

Spices are used to add variety and healthful benefits, boosting flavor without adding fat.

All their meat dishes are low in fat. Fat is always removed from meat/fish before added to any recipe.

Diet facilitates yoga poses*

An improved sex life is guaranteed; before you know it you'll be showing your husband how you can shimmy up a mango tree a la Kama Sutra**

In any case, I tried to make my favorite Naan bread recipe with a few modifications. I added oat bran to replace a cup and a half of the flour. Oat bran has excellent health benefits; mainly it's filling and can, if this is important to you, lower your cholesterol. In any case, I followed the recipe only to find out that I had transformed the recipe into rock hard oat planks. What a bummer. I'm going to try an make fattoush for lunch today with one but the rest are going to the chickens. On the plus side, if anyone is hosting a toga party this week I'm all set for footwear. Add a few rawhide straps and the naan will be instantly transformed into Greco-Roman sandals! Not that I would be caught dead in a toga...

*I only wish this were true

**Unfortunately, my husband hates mangos

My Approach

I will probably be unorthodox in my approach to weight loss. I don't believe that healthy fats actually make us fat and that they help us to stay full longer, help us to feel full faster and assist our body in absorbing nutrients. As such, I will not be cutting down on good, healthy fats. These are the things that I need to cut down on, because I know that they make me fat and that I am addicted to them: refined sugar, baked goods, refined grains, desserts. Other changes I need to make in the food department: limiting my portions, drinking more water and eating only when I am hungry. I have to make changes that I can live with for the rest of my life and allow myself some treats, because I believe that is the only way to have long term weight loss-by making it a lifestyle, not a diet.

The other key thing in losing weight is moving more. This is challenging because I am not an active person. I don't really like many activities that are designed to get you to move (with the exception of gardening, which kind of counts) and walking, which isn't so bad. I'm more of a book reading and cooking kind of gal. I have an elliptical machine in my living room and that is what is going to be my main exercise out of practicality. I am going to aim for four to five days per week. Even if I am having an off day and I only do ten minutes, it will still be better than just skipping it all together and make it more of a habit, I think.

I don't really have a weight loss goal in mind at this time because it is too intimidating to me to imagine losing 40, 50 or 60 pounds, when I haven't even been successful in keeping five pounds off for any length of time. I will be happy to see the numbers on the scale decreasing by one or two pounds per week at this time.

Here is the most recent photo of me, taken in November. It is a rare one, because I almost never let anyone take my photo. I have avoided cameras for as long as I can remember, but more persistently so for the past eight years.

I will update with my current weight and maybe a current photo when I do my weekly weigh in. I weigh myself regularly, under normal circumstances, but I haven't weighed myself since November because of the holidays. I will resume weighing in on Sunday.

It's okay, you're supposed to laugh at these.

***Disclaimer: These pictures are not meant to one- up anyone in the bad photo department. See, I don't cook well so I don't have any recipes to share. I don't have any work-out tips or words of wisdom. So that leaves me with funny pictures of myself and all my fatness. Hopefully these will make you laugh, or realize that you're not the only big gal out there or inspire you to take a look at your pictures and see that they are no where near as bad as these. ***


-sigh- Pictures.
Yep, pictures.
The bane of my existence.

Pictures haunt me mostly because I'm married to a professional photographer, hence there is no escaping how I look. So many of our moments are documented, the good ones AND the not so good ones. And while my husband is very talented, he is not a miracle worker which means that regularly I have to face what I truly look like to other people.
Not always a barrel of fun.

I'm also blessed with friends who must photo-document all moments together. (blessed with the friends not the photo taking) So here are the pictures from a night out with them. The worst thing about these pictures was that I thought I looked REALLY GOOD. I was all excited to be wearing a tank top and thought I was hot stuff.
After seeing the pictures, I realized I was hot stuff but not in a good way but in a pink/ sweaty fat girl kinda way.
Here is me with my friend Nik, his little brother and my MASSIVE upper arms.

This is me and Amy dancing.
Yes,I know, it looks like I'm doing the shimmy.
I swear to you I was not.

And THIS, this photo is where I realized there was no longer any real distinction between my boobs, stomach or ass. They are all about the same size which is not a good look. And um, neither is the side view.

When I first saw these pictures, I was crushed. My heart was broken that I had changed so much and my friends were all still skinny and cute. I felt even more removed from the person I used to be. All I saw was a fat girl trying to be something she wasn't and that's what saddened me the most.

But then I got over it.

Yep, simple as that.

Yes, I look fat in all the pictures.

Yes, I should be embarrassed.

Yes, I cried when I first saw them.

But they are pictures from a night where I had an insane amount of fun with people I love and I can't hate them just because of how I look.
So I won't.

I'll just make sure I look a hell of a lot better next time!

The Pictures That Launched A Thousand Tears

You know how sometimes you are standing next to some hot skinny chick and you're smiling and nodding but the whole time she's talking this is what you really wish you were doing? I promise that if I accomplish my goal and leave my fat ass badge at the door I will never stand next to a woman who is heavier than me and complain about my "flabby" flat stomach.

Since we have been speaking of pictures I thought I ought to put these ones up because the other one I put up was a total cheater since it didn't require one iota of bravery to post it. These ones I put on my blog last spring but I can't tell you with what trepidation I did it. I knew when Philip took these pictures that I had gained weight. I already knew I wasn't going to be picked for the cheer leading team (as usual), but when I saw them I felt as though I had suddenly been plunged into very deep dark water. I had no idea that my arms had come so far in their aim to take over my elbows. I really hadn't thought I looked quite that big.

For all of us, what that big implies may be different. It doesn't matter. All of us have crossed a line with our bodies that have become unacceptable to us. That's what matters.

So, about last night... I said I was going to tackle things not all at once but slowly and with care. True to my word, I drank just as much beer as I always do, but I'm happy to say that the area I am tackling first was dealt with well last night. I didn't eat anything past 7pm. I stayed within my calorie goal (my goals list will follow shortly) and I drank more water. I spent my evening (again, as usual) watching reruns of Dark Angel on my bed with all my calorie and WW books spread out in front of me while I did the homework on the food I'm eating this week. This is important for me to do because it takes effort to work this information out and if I don't do it I'm much more liable to not bother to write my food diary for the day.

Here are my official goals for January:

1. Don't eat after 7pm.

2. Get to bed by 12pm.

3. Keep calorie intake at 2200 or below a day.

4. Drink plenty of water.

5. Get to the gym twice a week once Max goes back to school.


Obviously I will have to seriously up the exercise ante a lot to reach my goal by the end of the year but I want to avoid manic activity at the gym followed by months of none. I always seem to be hurting myself and having my back go out so I want to start slow.

In fact, my back is trying to go out today. I'm taking good care of it. But isn't it just typical that the second I start exercising (I walked a couple of times this week) my back goes out? This always makes me feel defeated before I've really gotten anywhere. But not this time. I will have to address the beer drinking too but I am not going to attempt it until I get myself an appointment with a psychiatrist and new meds. In the interest of making progress in that direction: I went to my first therapy visit for over five years. She gave me the number of a local psychiatrist so tomorrow my assignment is to make the call.

I'm going to be honest and tell you that I actually really enjoyed sitting with my recipes and nutrition books figuring out the values for each recipe. I may just do some more of that tonight with recipes that I know I will want to make in the near future.

I'm off to go ice the back again.

Hola chicas, Casa de Lulu aqui...I'm signing in after 2 days off . I'm thrilled that there is a group of us involved in this. Like Lisa, I too am afraid to take a picture of myself and post it online. I've been avoiding the camera for years now and the idea of asking my skinny husband to take a photo of my fat ass is scary and probably not going to happen. In fact, this whole goal of weight loss is not a new one nor is it something I'm comfortable talking about with Jeff. Right now, I weigh 18 pounds more than my husband. He is 5'11'' and 165 pounds. I am 5'2'' and 183 pounds. I'm also considered obese by those numbers and have to lose 50 lbs to be right within my BMI.

Fifty pounds seems almost overwhelming to me.

In fact, I find the whole BMI thingy rather ridiculous. It seems to only involve more than just the equation of weight to height instead of your body's particular shape and muscularity, and by this I mean whether you are an endo, meso or whatever the other one is. (those of us participating are probably considered meso or the other because only skinny bitches are endos...no offense). I plan on going to my first WW meeting Friday and hope to get some more info on the core program, which is a bit different than the points system and for me, I think, a better choice. Because I am massively hypoglycemic, I need to fill up on foods with more protein and fiber, most of which are acceptable and not measured. I hate the measuring bit. I know that measuring gives you the accountability that is necessary to start positive habits, but with the flex points it's exhausting and frustrating when filling out the forms with the accurate measurements only to find that I'm starving 15 minutes later. Core has more restrictions on dairy, fat, flour and sugar, but I find that I'm not much of a prepackaged food person anyway so a lot of what is posted in the books and online doesn't pertain to me anyway...I made my first core ww recipe the other day with help from my friend Angelina. Here it is:

Potager with Sweet Peas
6 1cup servings 2 pts
This entire recipe is core friendly

1 tsp olive oil w/oil spray (like Pam)
1 cup chopped leek
2 minced garlic cloves
2 cans low sodium broth (chicken or vegetable)
2 cups fresh spinach
1 cup cubed parsnip
1 cup cubed potato
1tsp thyme
1 1/2 tsp kosher salt
ground pepper
2 cups frozen sweet peas
*****************************

Heat up soup pot. Spray Pam and add 1 tsp olive oil.
Add leeks, cook for 2 minutes. Add garlic, cook for 2 minutes and stir to avoid burning.
Add chicken broth and all the ingredients EXCEPT the peas.
Cook for about 15 to 20 minutes until ingredients are soft.
Add peas and cook for 5 minutes more.
Puree entire soup and enjoy!


I just went grocery shopping today and have a whole slew of ideas for recipes that I hope to share with you soon.

ciao for now

I'm Lisa, The Wimp

Angelina kindly invited my to contribute to this blog, but after reading the posts by Michelle and Angelina I am feeling wimpy. I can't bear to post a picture yet and I am terrified to weigh myself because I was at my highest weight ever in November and I am pretty sure I gained a bit over the holidays. I need to make a change and I have some vague goals floating through my head right now, but they aren't organized enough to actually list yet. I wanted to jump in and at least get my toes wet. Maybe with a concrete list I will get the courage to post my weight and photo.

I'm gonna call it a gift because otherwise I just might cry.

Well, I'm not going to cry. I've done enough of that so now it's time to put on the big girl panties and do something. As of January 1, 2008, my name is Michelle and I weigh 197 pounds. At 5'4" that puts my Body Mass Index (BMI) at 33.8 which is obese. (wow, I hate that word. It makes my heart stop a little every time i read it.) My goal is to lose 55-60 pounds. That would put me at 140 pounds and a normal score of 24 BMI.

The reason I keep telling myself that I'm giving myself the gift of losing 60 pounds is for the simple reason that I deserve it. I owe myself that respect. I am no longer going to treat my body poorly. I am going to be healthy and a good example for my children because god knows I don't want either one of them to follow in my footsteps. I want them to enjoy exercise, to love to eat food that is good for them and to not have their lives consumed by their weight or their pursuit of weightloss. There are so many more important things out there.

"So, Michelle, how are you going to accomplish this miracles of miracles?" you say.

Well, I'm going to set goals each month and post them here. I'm not going to do any crazy diets because I can't spend the rest of my life eating tomato soup from tiny cans or using creepy spray- on "butter" because it only has 5 calories. I like myself a little too much for all that business.

Basically I'm going to try to move more, eat less bad stuff and more good stuff.

January's goals:
1. Go to the gym 12 times this month.
I finally have a gym membership so no excuses there.

2. Eat smaller portions.
It may sound stupid but it's like a light finally flipped on in my mind and when I'm filling my plate instead of automatically taking two tacos, I just take one. Jeesh, it's amazing how long that one took.

3. Don't eat after 7pm.
This is a good one and it's what helped me lose 40 pounds after my son was born. By setting a curfew for the kitchen, I can't sit down with my big bowl of ice cream after the children have gone to sleep. I'll still have dessert here and there but when you have to eat it with a 5 yr old and a two yr old around, well, it just takes all the fun out of it.

4. Decrease the soda intake.
This is going to be the hard one.
I live for my Coke or Mr. Pibb in the morning, midday and afternoon. And when I say a soda, I mean a 44oz. soda each time which is close to 400 calories each time. Gross, huh? But this is my vice. I quit smoking 6 years ago, I don't really drink alcohol very much any more and I don't drink coffee. I know that soda is terrible for you and has no redeeming qualities other than the fact that it is the elixir of gods, and it is what has kicked my ass every time i try to lose weight. I know these things, so this time I'm going to go slowly and wean myself off. Hopefully once I start exercising , then the soda won't sound as good. right? right? Oh, please say I'm right.

Okay, those feel like some decent goals for this month.
Thanks to Angelina for inviting me to write along, it's amazing how much it helps to not be doing this by myself.

No Self-flagellating

Today is the second day of the year and you could say that I have already laid waste to good intentions. Yesterday I ate very thoughtfully for half the day. I had it all planned out. I had yogurt and pears for breakfast. For a small lunch-type meal I had a slice of toast with a very modest amount of butter and jam and a hard boiled egg. Notice the lack of cheese? No cheese on that egg. But then I ended up hanging out at Lisa B.'s house (who may contribute to the water cooler talk here) and at first I steadfastly refused to eat any wheat thins with artichoke spread.

Can you really say that anything is "steadfast" if it only lasts for ten or fifteen minutes?

Once I laid into the very tasty spread I couldn't stop. That's pretty usual for me. Then some lemon bars appeared and I haven't had one of those in a couple of years at least. Lemon bars are one of my favorite desserts EVER. And they were good. I had 1.5 of them which made my throat almost shut itself permanently from the sugar. (Lemon bars are so good but always make me feel like I go into sugar shock afterwards.)

The problem with you, Lisa, is that you are an excellent baker and cook and I find it very hard to say no to anything you make. Maybe you should put pork in everything, then I won't be tempted. Or maybe I should grow some balls and learn to eat only small portions?

There's a thought.

Am I beating myself up for this? No. Wanna know why I'm passing up this great opportunity to self flagellate? Because here's what I didn't do: eat any cheese at all when I got home. In fact, I ate no food at all. I stayed up late (boo) but I didn't eat any snacks of any kind. (Yay) I drank a giant glass of water (yay).

Today is half over and I have eaten nothing.

Actually, that has not been intentional and is not a good strategy for losing weight. It's just that I've gotten distracted by blogs and e-mails and drinking good coffee. So as soon as I finish writing this post I am going into the kitchen and I'm going to make myself some cheese-less eggs and some of the dishes on my meal plan list.

I said I was going to approach this whole weight loss thing with steady determination and every little triumph has got to count at least as much as any slipping does. Not snacking at night is always going to be a good choice. Choosing lemon bars for dinner is not.

I have a ton of Brussels sprouts that I need to process and use because they are in my garage turning yellow. Doing the Eat Local Challenge while trying to lose weight is definitely going to add a layer of difficulty to it all. But I don't care. I'm going to make my goal this year.

This would be a great moment to make a very inspiring speech for us all. Something close to a rock and roll anthem. We could all flip up our lighters and wave them in the air...

One thing I need to strategize about is my evening routine. I don't find it difficult to make good choices during the first half of the day. The danger sets in right around 4 pm and doesn't ease up until I go to bed. I'm going to try to come up with some ideas that don't involve chaining myself naked to the side of my house. If any of you have ideas on how to change an evening routine, please share.

The Starting Gate

Right off the bat I need to record the truth: I weigh 230 pounds. So, that's where I'm starting from on the first day of 2008. I fully expect to weigh myself at the end of the year and be able to record that I am 190 lbs. (Which, by the way, is 30 pounds away from my goal weight, which will not bring me to thinness, but to a healthy livable PLUMPNESS.) I only say that because it needs to be understood, at the outset, that I am not trying to achieve some impossible dream of fashionable thinness. I don't give a shit about what size clothing I end up fitting into. My ego doesn't register clothing size as anything to go by- my goal weight has been chosen because I have reached that weight before and while not particularly thin at 160 lbs, I can fit in clothes that make me happy and feel good. I don't feel my body bearing down on my bones at that weight. For anyone who needs clothing size as a point of reference, at that weight I am most likely a size 12 to 14.)

Why it's important to stay on track this year, why I need to get back up and keep going even if I fall:

1. I can't see my hoo-ha over my stomach. (I guess that's public now)

2. My hip, my knees, my feet, and my ankle really need me to lighten up. They hurt a lot which puts me in a bad cycle of not exercising, which happens to also benefit my brain. The more weight I carry on my joints, the harder it is to do the things I need to do to take the weight off.

3. I'm tired of feeling like an eighty year old hag instead of a pre-forty year old woman.

4. This isn't going to get easier when I turn forty in two years.

5. I really need to be able to wear stripes again.

6. Chafing thighs are super unsexy.

7. I don't fit in any of my winter coats and it's getting pretty cold. I'm too poor to buy a new one.

8. I don't want to have to buy the next size up in underwear. I'm not actually sure there is a next size up. If I get fatter, will I have to go commando?

9. I don't want my family to be able to say that I was killed by an overdose of cheddar cheese.

10. I don't want to have my weight be the focal point of the rest of my life.

So, if I fall down one day, I promise to get back up the next. Right back up. Everyone falls when trying to reach any kind of goal, because no one is perfect. But a person who takes that fall, gets up, shrugs their shoulders and moves forward is someone who can feel good about themselves and someone who will make progress towards their goals.

I have a lot of bad habits to clean up and some of them depend on getting some extra help, so I'm not going to try to change everything at once. The first step for me is menu planning. I need to establish this habit of menu planning and seeing it through. This will have to be a priority. Without menu planning I will fall down a lot. Because if I don't prepare food ahead of time that will fit easily into my weight loss plan, I will revert to my melted cheese sandwich fetish.

Just for the record, here are some of my bad habits that I will need to work on (one at a time):

1. late night eating

2. too much cheese

3. too much beer

4. not enough exercise

5. double portions of food

6. not planning ahead

7. not enough sleep

8. not enough mental support (need new meds for my head)

That's a lot to work on. Which is why I'm going to start slow and work my way through them. I've already got a visit with a therapist scheduled, next I need to make an appointment with a psychiatrist. I have planned my menu for this week and will concentrate on seeing it through.

I think that's enough for right now. It feels good to put it in writing. Next I will give thought to strategies for dealing with all those bad habits. Anyone who wants to make suggestions is welcome to do so.